Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?
by Bunnylass
Summary: Suze POV. I've always dreamed of a love and happiness. Knowing lovers would come and go, with some leaving bigger impressions than others. Only, I never anticipated my true love to be my hero and captor. Who I'd love and hate...
1. Where Have The Cowboys Gone?

_**Disclaimer:**_ The Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot. And the song lyrics belong to their respective owners.

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Summary: **_I've always dreamed of a love and happiness. Knowing lovers would come and go from my life, with some leaving bigger impressions than others. But when I found it, I never anticipated my true love to be my hero and captor. Who I'd love and hate...

_**A/N:**_ Thanks for reading, please review **:)**

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_Where is my John Wayne, Where is my prairie son, Where is my happy ending, Where have all the cowboys gone...?_

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_**Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?**_

I never would have thought the age old cliché, '_There's a thin line between love and hate,_' to become my phrase. Or for it to echo back to me every day. There was a time when I didn't even believe in it. Putting it down to people who just couldn't distinguish between black and white, good and bad. Caught in shades of grey. Because I never thought I would experience it myself. Only, now I shake my head at my naive and childish thought.

It rings true when I see the plate shatter on the kitchen floor and in the sound of the door slamming closed. Felt in the warmth of my tears when they stream down my cheeks and soak into my pillow I'm holding like a life-line. Pulsing in the anger I use to throw something at him in hurt and frustration. And it's also what stops me from ripping that photo out of its chipped frame and shredding it to match how I'd become.

It's what makes me sit behind my wheel; ready and willing to leave the life I carved and let him change. Only to find there's no gas left, stalling me from going. Giving time for a doubt to creep in and make me hesitate. Adding fuel to the weakness that started again, with the one glance he throws to me as he slams the door behind him on his way out. The look, the feel and the kiss that comes when he returns much later that night. When I hang my head and discover I'm too weak to do what's needed to be done.

All the while I'm mocking myself, for ever believing in that wish that wasn't ever going to come true anymore. Because it wasn't meant for me.

When I was a little girl, I imagined that chance of a fairytale love. The kind that made you smile from the moment you woke, to the second you slept. The days bright, even in the wake of the strongest storms and showers. A hero, riding in on his magnificent steed and sweeping me away. A love that knew no bounds and brought nothing but happiness, I thought every little girl had when they grew up.

My mother was happy. Swept up and lost in her devotion to my step-dad. Delirious, content and smiling all the time. I always hoped and wanted what my parents had. Someone who could treat me how I should be treated. Who would love me unconditionally. I had plenty to give and plenty to share. And I knew there was someone like that out there for me. Lovers would come and go. Some lasting and making more of an impact than others. Charging in and out of my life, until the right person came along. I anticipated it.

But when I found it, I never thought he would be my captor as well as my hero.

From the first moment I met Jesse, I knew I was in trouble. I'd seen him around. The way he flitted from one woman to another. Leaving a trail of heartbreaks and wounds in his wake. Laughing his way through life, knowing he could get anywhere he wanted and whoever he wanted. He never took anything seriously, maybe with the exception of himself. He expected woman to fall at his feet and men to stand out of his way. He was good-looking, dangerous and charming. And the type I always swore to stay away from. Knowing I would never find what I was looking for there.

But that choice was taken from me, as soon as my eyes clashed with his. I knew it'd all gone wrong. I'd tried backpedalling. Getting out of his line of sight as quick as possible. But he was like a hunter stalking his prey. Moving in until he had me completely trapped and held. Weaving his charm around me. And as much as I tried to escape and tear myself away from it, I knew it was futile. He had me and he knew it. Making that one blistering moment, turn into another and another.

I tried to ignore him. To brush him off and carry on as if he didn't make my heart feel like it was going burst right out of my chest. But just like most, I loved the thrill of the chase. The way he persisted and ran for me. The more I would pull back, the more eager he became. Making us both fall into something, we didn't see until it was far too late. I wasn't the type to play hard to get. I didn't like teasing and dragging someone along, to something I knew wasn't going to work. But that was exactly what I was doing. Until the point when I didn't know if it was because I was really trying to escape, or if I was just too addicted to him and all he brought.

And then I gave in. Stopping the ridiculous game of cat and mouse we were playing. Plunging myself into everything that came, with being one of Jesse De Silva's latest conquests. I wasn't the type to fool around either. It wasn't my style. But with Jesse, he was like a drug I just couldn't get enough of. I loved the excitement and buzz he gave me. The way he used to whisper how beautiful I was when we were alone. Making me melt at his words and his touch. We were careless and wild.

Just like I expected it to be, when fooling around with Jesse.

But the more time went on, the less I was detaching myself from him. I wasn't keeping emotions on the sidelines anymore. Leaving them at the door, as I fell into his hands with my lips crashing to his. Getting caught in the rush that surrounded Jesse wherever he went. I started to _feel_ when I was with him. The way I felt my heart thump a few extra beats, when he smiled at me. How our eyes would meet for a moment, unhindered by lust or come-hither glances. I was imagining my life with him. Walking around the shops, I would stop and see something that would catch my eye. Imagining Jesse in it. Or seeing something he would like. Unaware I was smiling to myself when I started thinking about him. Learning his characteristics and traits.

I was falling for him. Teetering on the tip of that ledge and slipping the more I wind milled my arms to stop myself. I tried brushing it aside and telling myself it was nothing. That it wasn't possible. That it wasn't how it was supposed to be. '_Denial, denial, is a long river in Egypt'_, my friends tried to tell me. Desperate to make me see the mistake I was walking into. Screaming and yelling for me to stop. Trying to make me understand.

But I just ignored them. Flicking the comments off, like they weren't anything but annoying nats. I was a level-headed and rational person. I knew when to stop and I wasn't ready right then. I wanted to follow the golden thread, no matter where it took me.

Until I slipped up, and told Jesse I loved him.

The world and all that was keeping it right, crashed down around me like broken shards of glass. Piercing my sense, heart and all that was me. I said the one thing that was like an unspoken rule between us. No falling in-love. And I smashed that rule apart. Not in one go. But piece, by agonizing piece. And I didn't realize just how much, until I looked up into his eyes and saw his reaction. The deep frown pulled down over his black eyes. He didn't say anything in return. No acknowledgement I'd said it. No words repeated back to me. And no sudden anger for breaking the rules.

Just an inky darkness that had started snaking through my light.

I pulled away then. Grabbing my keys, coat and shoes. Slamming the door behind me as I ran from his territory. Not even bothering to slip my shoes on, as I ran down the steps from his apartment building and rushed out into the freezing hours of the morning. Not bothering to look back to see if he was following me, because I already knew he wasn't. I ran to to my car, slipping behind the wheel and tearing out of there. Needing to clear my head and _think_. Something I hadn't done, since I got caught in the life that revolved around Jesse. But the further away I got and the more my mind cleared, the more I wanted to turn back and run back into his arms.

I knew what I was letting myself in for when I gave-in to him. I'd heard the stories and I'd seen the damage. And out of all of it, I never once heard where that girl wasn't left heartbroken and shamed. The same as I never heard of anyone being with him for as long as I had. I didn't want to hope, but it came anyway. There wasn't anything left. Other than the fear that I'd just lost my once chance of that fairytale love. Almost believing, that Jesse was it.

That should have been what helped me get over it then and there. But it didn't and I knew it never would.

It was over a week later, when sleep was evading me and hunger was non-existent. And the world had dimmed into grey, that I saw him again. Expecting and wishing he would walk straight on past me. That he would brush me off, as easily as I did my friends concerns. Giving me the closure I needed, to help me through the ordeal I'd opened myself too. With no-one to blame but myself.

Only Jesse didn't walk right past me.

I didn't look up at him, even as his brown leather loathers stopped in front of me. My eyes trained on his shoes and too terrified to follow the dark faded denim of his jeans up his long legs and along his body to his eyes. I was still silently hoping he would turn and walk away. But his simple murmur of, _Querida_, was my undoing. Making me lift my eyes to his instantly. Even as the thought ran through my mind, of how many other women he called that before me. And why should I have been any other? What made me different to them?

I had Jesse's love was the answer.

Because as it turned out, Jesse had fell into oblivion with me. And was just as shocked as I was, that it had happened. But unlike me, Jesse didn't have expectations of what a complete love would feel like. I had my dreams and wonders. I saw my parents and imagined it to be like that. I_wanted_ it to be like that.

But Jesse just wanted to try and pretend it wasn't affecting him or his way of life, as much as it was. He could have ignored it and carried on like he had before. Kept to his tradition, of having a commitment phobia. And I even asked him why. His simple response was that he would never be able to forget me. It was enough to bring tears of happiness to my eyes. We were really going to try and make it work. I was the woman, who had trapped and ensnared Jesse De Silva. Something others had never been able to do before me.

It was like a challenge, that I knew I wasn't ever going to back down from. No matter how hard or difficult it could of become. I was innately stubborn, and therein was the beginning of my downfall . . .

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_Where is my Marlboro man, Where is his shiny gun, Where is my lonely ranger, Where have all the cowboys gone . . ._

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	2. Running Away

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_Don't lie and say that it's okay, It's alright if there's nothing more to say, So I'm running away, I'm leaving this place, I'm running away, I'm running away . . ._

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_**Running Away**_

It was the small things that changed first. Little problems I didn't notice until it was too late, where they'd already turned large.

The way I slowly lost contact with my friends. Other things coming up to stand in my way. Changes to the things I did or said. Demands from Jesse and myself that I told myself I couldn't ignore. When in truth, it was because I was too scared to leave him too long. Terrified I was going to suddenly lose him, or that he would change his mind somehow. Not prepared or ready to deal with the complete change to my life, I hadn't even noticed had happened. Like letting him know what I was doing. Where I was, who I was with. Things I never needed to do before. Keeping him informed, as I went about my day.

My family had their suspicions at first. Until he worked his magic. Doing what he does to everyone; charmed and soothed them. Making them laugh and relax not even half an hour into his visit. Any concerns they might have had with me at the beginning of our turbulent relationship, were put to rest as I fell deeper in-love with him. Attracting the eye of a lot of disbelief and jealousy. Many claiming we weren't ever going to work. That we were living in a fantasy world. And that it was all going to go horribly wrong sooner or later.

But we fought to prove them all wrong.

As the first couple of years dragged on - and Jesse and I moved in together - I didn't notice the changes to myself. The shift in character and behaviour. Becoming more confident and brazen. Saying things, when in a past life I would of kept quiet about. Little outbursts of oddities I didn't hardly recognize as myself. I was slowly losing who I was and I didn't seem to be aware of it. Nit-picking things I didn't seem to be aware I was doing. Becoming a slave to our relationship, the more I gave myself to it.

On the outside I was fine. Normal even. When on the inside, there was a pit of despair that was equal and just as powerful as my love for Jesse.

That hadn't changed. It grew and evolved. Swallowing and shocking us both, with just how strong and potent it was. Making us both more dependent on each other. Pushing others away, until there was only the two of us. It was the same addiction I felt, when I had first started seeing him. That had made me trip and fall into that abyss. And Jesse was right down here with me. Trying to claw our way out.

And my wallow of despair grew and festered.

Jesse hadn't changed much from when I first met him. Learning more of him, than I would have ever suspected before. Seeing the stark differences between us both as we went along. And like all relationships, we had our problems. Small things that didn't need to get out of hand. But did all the same. Slanging matches that had us both screaming over the top of each other. Cutlery that got thrown into walls. Doors were slammed and locked behind each other. Both saying things neither meant, but hurt all the same.

And deeper we fell in-love. No-one knowing of the extent and depth that we did. Leaving me to wonder, if it was because we loved each other too much, that spurred the disagreements. Heated arguments, that seemed to be piling up against us. Over-shadowing the good times.

We got into a routine with each other. Both going to our separate jobs and lives. Mixing our evenings and weekends, between staying in or going out. Constantly keeping tabs on each other throughout the day, because neither of us trusted each other. There was pure love, but not trust. And we both openly acknowledged that.

I knew his past. I knew about all the woman he's been with. I thought I'd join that list too once upon a time. He was a flirt and a charmer and I didn't trust him one bit. I was wary and kept a close eye on him when we went out. Catching a glance here and there. Letting him have that one dance with the girl starting to drape all over him, that invariable, he'd let. Watching my reaction and enjoying my brewing anger.

But in the end, I would easily do the same to him. Find a good-looking man that would make Jesse jealous and seething with rage. A twisted and cruel game we played on each other. Trying to see who would crack first. Who would hurt the most when game-over arrived.

I never would have done that before I met Jesse. I would have walked away, to save myself the pain. But I'm not that naive little woman anymore. I'm older, different. _Changed_. Jesse brought the best and worst out in me. Just like I did with him. We butted heads more than we got on. We made jibes at each other, just to get a rise. We we're so completely wrong for one another. So twisted and caught in our warped relationship, we didn't know where the end was.

I hated Jesse, as much as he hated me. I hated how he'd made me. How he twisted me around his little finger and killed all of my paper-thin dreams of what it should have been like. He made me hurt with his words. Pushing me to leaving him. And I did exactly the same to him. I hated the new me and I blamed him for that. For corrupting and morphing me bit by bit. Until the point where there was no going back.

We we're so stuck, we couldn't even walk away from each other. On the times I tried, I didn't always get through the door. I couldn't. Just like he can't stay away, when he storms out of our home. Promising me we're over and that it's not worth it. Because he knows in the end . . . it is. That the hate and anger . . . are _nothing_ compared to how great we are _together_. When one laughs, the other can't help but smile too. When one feels sad, the other sheds the tears. When we're sorry . . . it's raw unbridled emotion. The passion, need, love. It's all there. All wrapped and shining through the cracks.

He has me tearing my hair out with anger, hurt and frustration. But when he looks at me in apology . . . when he places a kiss to the pulse in my neck and whispers how much he loves me in my ear; it's all I can do not to cry and wither to him. Reminding me _why_ I can't walk away from him. _Why_ I _can't_leave, no matter how many times I pack my bags. Safe in the knowledge, that he feels the same frustration I'm feeling.

We're trapped in a relationship, filled with hate, viciousness and love. And even though I'm losing more and more of who I really am . . . I know I'll never stop. Lost with that dangerous charming man I met years ago and swore to stay away from. Lassoed and pulled in bit by bit as I dappled in a euphoria I thought I could walk away from anytime I wanted to. Making that line that was supposed to define black and white, love and hate, blur and disappear all together.

And I understood why that person quoted that phrase now. And I knew I would live it, for the rest of my life.

I paused in my closet as I heard the front door close. Shutting my eyes against the fresh sting of tears, of not knowing what kind of reaction I was going to be met with when I went out there. We'd had one of the worst arguments yet. And considering how often we had them - and some of the severity of those - it was saying alot. His words and anger were lost to me now. All I was left with was the same thing as every other time. Hopelessness and a constant question, of how could I keep on doing this to myself.

But I knew I didn't want to be here. That I needed to get away.

I was packing an overnight bag and preparing to go and stay at a friend's house. One who had stuck by me, even after I'd pushed them all away. Helped by the fact that she understood to a certain degree, of just how far gone in each other, Jesse and I were. I lifted some sweats from the shelf and carried them over to my duffel bag. Laying them in it, while I tried not to flinch as I heard him moving about our apartment. Dropping the last few things I needed onto the top of the pile, I zipped it up and pulled on my thin jacket.

I didn't glance over at the photo sitting on our dresser. Of Jesse and I, in one of our happier time. Knowing I would have seen something that would of made me re-think everything I had been mulling over for the past couple of hours. The idea of moving out had crossed my mind. But I knew that would be worse than living together. Lifting the bag from the bed, I walked over to the door. Telling myself I wasn't going to hesitate, I walked out into the living room.

Jesse spun on his heel when I walked in. I headed for the phone, where I picked up my car keys and purse that were lying beside it. I paused again, not looking at Jesse as I waited for him to say something. _Anything_. But I knew I was wasting time. His stubborn streak was just as strong and controlling as my own was. So I held back my dejected sigh and fresh new tears, and walked to the door. His voice_finally_ coming to me as I touched the cold brass handle.

"Where are you going?" His voice was scratchy. Like he'd been screaming at the top of his lungs. I wouldn't have blamed him if that was the case. My screams came out as silent tears into my pillow, as I slept alone. Confused and afraid.

I kept my back to him as I took in a deep breath. "I'm going to a friends," I answered tonelessly. Not wanting to make it harder on either of us than it already was. "I need to get out." I tightened my fingers on the straps of my bag. Not putting it past him to take it out of hands and mollify me into staying. Going back to how we always do. Pretending there isn't a problem and getting on with it.

I can't do that tonight.

"When are you coming back?" He sounds disinterested. But I know without looking, that the answer is important to him. He's scared. I know he is. Because I can feel it too.

I turned to look at him, seeing him leaning against the back of the couch with his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes as dark as ever. But I see something I've seen many times before. Something, I highly doubt anyone has ever caught a glimpse of. His vulnerability. And it's almost my undoing. I almost forget about it all, and go along with our rut and act. There's the possibility he's going for the sympathy vote. That it's a lure. But I know straight away, that Jesse doesn't do weakness. Or so he tries.

"I don't know, Jesse." I quietly stated, watching a muscle jump in his jaw as he clenched his teeth together at what that could mean to us both.

Looking away from me, his eyes sweep over the mess of the living room. A vase shattered against one wall, leaving a scuff mark and powder from the china hitting and shattering there. That was me. Just like it was him, who destroyed the photo that had been sitting on the table. I knew the picture was gone to us. The glass had scratched it where he punched and swept it across the room. There was a path of destruction running through the apartment, where the argument progressed. Followed from one room to the other.

"So you're not going to stay and talk about it?" He shuffled on his feet. Looking down at his shoes. I knew how much this was costing him. How much it was costing me. But I still didn't make any move to stay. "To try and sort it out."

"What's the point?" I shrugged. My tone almost pleading with him to give me a good enough reason, to continue in the nightmare I was walking through. "We're just going to go back to same rut we've been in for too long. And I just don't think I can take anymore, Jesse," My tone made his eyes connect with mine again. "So _please_ . . . tell me why I should stay . . ."

Tears pricked my eyes and I didn't stop them from falling. I was tired and exhausted. Emotionally and physically. And I just couldn't see any kind of solution. I stood staring at him for endless moments. And yet he didn't make any sign that he was going to answer or make the effort. With a sad laugh, I shook my head and turned the handle.

"Because we're good together," His voice whispered to me. Strained and choked. "And because I love you, _querida._"

_But is it enough?_ A quiet voice finished for him.

I bit down on my quivering lips and heaved in a breath. Using every ounce of courage I had - because my pride had left me a long time ago - I pulled open the door and stepped across that threshold. Not looking back to Jesse, as I pulled it closed behind me. The soft click making one lone tear drop down my flushed cheeks. Thoughts raced through my mind, as I questioned what I had just done. How I didn't reassure him or myself, that I loved him too. How I'd taken the first steps to walking away, and I was already faltering.

Only, I knew. Even as I'd let the door swing closed behind me, that this wouldn't be the last time I stumbled. Nor would it be the last time I tried to leave. Going away for however long I need. That at the end of it . . . I was always going to go back to him. Trapped in a burning love and dark hate filled relationship with my true love.

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_Don't tell me I'm the one to blame, It's too late for you to make me stay, No, I won't stay, So I'm running away, I'm leaving this place, I'm running away, I'm running away . . ._

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End file.
